Food sex.

Food and I have always had a very explosive relationship. I'd think there are a few different categories of food. I really don't think there is a way of accurately placing a food substance into one category in which it will remain permanently, because the food mood always fluctuates. Oh the feisty food mood!

Occasionally I found myself furious and explosively angry with the world and miserable with existence and life in general. I cursed my parents for having brought me into this terrible world. I never asked for existence! Why was I unwillingly brought to life? Who would want to live? Everyone is so full of anguish and hatred! Having morphed into a contemptuous misanthrope I scanned every person in my vicinity and despised them more for smiling if they were, or for being grumpy if they weren't smiling. I then wondered why I was such a horrible person...
But...
Everything changed with the first bite of food that went into my mouth. It was spring time in my head! Flowers were blooming and it was a time to form new relationships... relationships only filled with love and care! Oh, it was just incredible to see everyone around me, and I marveled at our existence and congratulated all the scientists who ever lived for having been so astonishingly brilliant. Why couldn't I be so brilliant? But then again, I was enjoying a life that none of those scientists with all their brilliance could have dreamed of, but collectively their thoughts and efforts had built a huge system in which we live, with the ability to eat, sleep and dream and dream (lol) of realizing these dreams. Wait, what was I talking about?

My relationship with Food is even more unstable than my relationship with people. Sometimes, I would die for just a bite of pasta, and a few days later I would kill if someone made me eat that same pasta. Occasionally stuffing pasta into your face would be a truly sexually satisfying experience that anyone looking would think of as R-rated. Now THAT would be a foodgasm.

Isn't it just terrible when you really want to eat, but nothing available seems remotely appealing? But Ah, but isn't it just amazing when you order the special food your heart craves and wait in anticipation with dopamine flooding your system... your mouth watering in delight for what is to come, your breathing becoming more intense with the very thought of your food, hot and steaming or cold and sexy, waiting to be consumed and ravaged...

Misery in the Dark

Odd and unexplainable, the sudden feeling of unease that washes over when it's time to go to bed, and the body does not wish to comply. At that point in time, the day's joys and delights all appear to be trivial and insignificant, and all the random events we experienced all come rushing back, with a special emphasis on those that caused sadness.

Where did that come from, and how can you stop it? I lay in bed feeling like a completely different person to the one who laughed hysterically with her friends a few hours ago, devoid of happiness, and feeling like the most ungrateful person in the world. Having had a great and comfortable lifestyle with caring parents and a sound education, what could I possibly lack? What could I possibly want? Why was it that my poetic senses were only tingled at times of utmost misery, provoked by loneliness? Sometimes, when we're with others, we want nothing more than just to be alone, and when we're alone, the solitude is degrading to our psyche. "The grass is always greener" strikes me as a silly, trivializing statement that doesn't even start to encompass the entirety of the emotion that is felt.

Surely, we cannot expect to be happy always, but perhaps, what terrifies most of us is the fear that the sadness will formulate a new state of permanence? Perhaps we fear the idea of evolving into perpetually sad people who experience small and horribly temporary bursts of happiness?

When the sadness hits, should you embrace it? Should you let the tears fall and allow the heavy sobs to send tremors through your body? Or should you clear your mind and fight it?

At that point in time, I considered all the philosophies I knew, and felt nothing but pity and affection for everyone I disliked at some point in time. I realized the sadness would have united us all.
But
What path should I have taken? Did enlightenment mean I had to let all my emotions decompose? Would that reveal a strong, indestructible person, or someone barely human? Would the "I" I had developed into throughout the years vanish if I disposed of my emotion, or would the conquering of "I" solely imply a conquering of ego, and somehow open me up to some wondrous insight of the universe that my emotion had clouded?

I mused over the entirety of my thought process and slowly disconnected from wakefulness, to descend into a healing episode of sleep. As usual, I woke up feeling like someone who had no connection to the person I was the night before.

Perhaps the trick lies in unifying our multiple personalities? Perhaps there is no trick at all? Will we ever know?

Do people become religious as a way to combat boredom?

Although I had talked about boredom in my previous post, it surely is an idea that is worth a mention.
Just as people trudge through their lives trying to make sense of our seemingly random existence and the scariness of the vastness of the cosmos (lol those were a lot of ness-es!), most people were lured into a mind trap before their critical facilities developed... This is a very commonly utilized phenomenon known as "indoctrination". ;) Many of your friends would have been indoctrinated, your parents might have been, and even you probably were. If so, then Kudos to you for breaking free of the brain chains! If not, then I sure hope you do some day, because there's a loooot more to life than you were made to believe. Sorry bub.

But even so, I find it hard to blame those who have not yet been able to break the chains, and many never will (because too many simply don't want to either), and for a very long time, I encountered a phenomenon I found absolutely disgusting:
THE CONVERT.

I pondered it for months. WHY? How could people who had allowed their facilities to develop, and had access to technology, information and a sound education voluntarily plunge into the bowels of intellectual imprisonment?? The answer is simple. I lie. It's not... it appears to be multi-faceted.

I suggest boredom to be a huge cause. Boredom with the current state of things... though many would argue dissatisfaction to be a huge winner: dissatisfaction with their life, parents, animals... who knew. Involvement with too many destructive drugs (which was probably also caused by boredom), abusive relationships, which lead the desperate to succumb to the "madness" I spoke of in a previous post. Depression is probably another huge factor, though I think boredom and depression are heavily linked: boredom leads to depression at many times, and vice versa. Jumping into something that makes you feel special and constantly gives you something to be keeping yourself busy with (Praying or doing some weird shit that God apparently wants you to do ) probably was the easiest road to take. Maybe it is the easy road to take? My friend Nietzsche would disagree unfortunately, and so would I.

I think people who convert forsake their intellectual conscience to satisfy their desperation, and fill the void. Then again, who can really blame them? On one hand, you can throw your brains into the shithole and dedicate them to defending your newly found beliefs with a passion and vengeance (that could have been dedicated to achieving something worthwhile...) .. and on the other hand you have to face the world the way it really is and actually be bullshitproof.

We all know that's just too hard though don't we? It sure does requires a lot of courage to stand up and face the world as it is...and accept that we really don't know as much as we would like to about why we're here.
But isn't honesty a good starting point to figure things out?

Boredom

Our greatest fear has never been death. It has always been, and always will be boredom, even if everyone hasn't realized it yet. (this is why life imprisonment is actually more cruel than the Death penalty.. watch the Shawshank Redemption. GREAT MOVIE)

This is what I simply cannot understand about those who lust after immortality. Even ancient religious texts picked up on eternal torture... but then again, they did suggest "eternal life" as a reward.

Are people just so afraid of death that they'd rather never die and just keep living? Perhaps the first 100 years could be entertaining... somehow. What about the next 100, and the next million, and the next billion after that? What if the world ends? Will the person exist in outer space as a bodiless entity? If the body exists beyond a brain, would this imply the creation of a new entity that exists when all else perishes? Isn't it horrifying to perceive the loneliness and solitude of an immortal soul floating in space, complete with all functions of a brain, but no body to perform them with, and no companion to converse with?
When I'm depressed, every second feels unbearably long, and the only temporary cure is the "Death of the day's wakefulness": sleep. What is the only cure for boredom in a prison cell? Sleep. What is the cure for boredom at home? Entertainment perhaps. What is the cure for boredom when all the sources of entertainment become boring? Sleep again.

But what happens if one gets bored with the "the tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing" and actually wants out? Wouldn't life be the most morbid and unbearable prison cell imaginable? Even if the person's loved ones would be immortal with the immortal in the scenario, would life not evolve into something tedious? Making conversation would become a drag, eventually turning loved ones into people to be avoided.

I am yet to meet a person who craves immortality and has thought through its consequences.

Procrastination

Why do we do it?

Maybe because watching Big bang theory when you think you should be studying calculus just seems to be so much more exciting!

In any case, I am going to study calculus, honestly!... after a few episodes :D

But seriously. When push comes to shove.. and your mind wills you to procrastinate, DON'T DO IT.
When you get your homework, play mind games with yourself and soon enough you just can't wait to get back to your room to finish your homework! When that homework is done, you'll just dig into your bag for the next lot.. THAT'S THE SPIRIT. Before you know it, you'll become a homework machine.. dreaming about homework and your professors, and your most exciting lunch time conversations will include your professors and how they commended your participation during class, and the long discussions you have with your professors after class. Your life becomes meaningful when your professors are happy and depression strangles you when they aren't....You might want to self-evaluate yourself at this point and try to draw a balance. :)

On the whole.. let's all just try to get our shit done on time... without becoming crazed boring zombies =D

The fragility of our minds...

How many times have we watched with horror, the scenes of asylums in movies?

The plain, whitewashed walls, the apathetic nurses and the disturbed, screaming patients.
How many times have you pictured yourself as an inmate of such a place?

It appears sometimes that even more fleeting than an involuntary heartbeat or a breath that takes place with no concern, is our mental stability. One moment we're calm and lucid, and the next our heads are racing through the events of our past, the events of others' lives, the potential possibilities of the future and the ultimate pointlessness of existence. Why else do so many people rush for spiritual help? Because it seems to be far too difficult to hold onto one's sanity while having to keep up with all the other demands of life. Perhaps, it just is so much easier to hold onto something else, something you know might not even exist, and blindly believe in someone's words because they're just so comforting to your troubled mind...

When you feel the temptation to give into blind faith, fight it. The madness, the neurotic depression and the screaming person inside of you will calm down. Dance, sing, and release the insanity within you... but for crying out loud, do not feed it possibilities as CERTAINTIES to satisfy the craving for hope. The moment you let your weakness get the better of you, you have let the madness win.
We can fight the madness. Be strong.

Dear BTs...

Before leaping head-first into what seems like the most exciting of love affairs, consider deeply the implications of your actions. Perhaps...

- The world can seem like a cruel place, devoid of morality or divine order.
- You were born Jewish, and it seems like Hashem is calling out to you to come "back home".
- As a woman, you might feel like you would be more protected within such a tightly-bound community.
- You might think that going back to your traditional roots makes your "chosen-ness" more special.

Right now it may seem as if:

All you need to do to get "spirituality", is to give up your friendship and respect for non-Jewish people, convince yourself that the Torah is of divine origins, scold your mind for having questions, ignore scientific knowledge you might have previously gained that may contradict the Torah, and completely put your trust in the hands of Rabbis who interpret the Torah to you in a way that makes its obnoxious portions seem perfectly acceptable.

Are the friendships with people who are non-Jewish of no value at all? Are you arrogant enough to firmly believe that you are somehow born more special than every non-Jew because you're "Jewish"? Do you think referring to non-Jews as "Goyim" makes the Orthodox community look more respectable somehow?

If you have not realized, the default position of any religious text is that it is written by humans. Constantly asserting that it was divinely inspired does not suddenly make it unlikely that humans wrote it. There have been religions far before Judaism, and there have been many after it, and almost every "holy book" claims the same message: it is of divine origin. Why then, should yours be the right one? Why should your way be the best one? Why can you simply not take responsibility for carving out your own path and revel in the freedom and brilliance of having done so?

Problem is, you can try to live a lie for however long you want, but you'll only ever find a "truth" when you stop believing what isn't true.

The weirdness of sadness

I cannot help but be stunned at the multitude of things that make my eyes brim over with tears. Who knew that deleting an old blog that really did not have much in it could be such an emotional ordeal?

It never fails to amaze me when I think of the overwhelming emotion that saturated my entire being when I thought I lost all my photographs and random little quirky files of the past. Nostalgia imprisons us and keeps us tragic and intoxicated with deceptive memories that get subtly distorted over time!

Perhaps it makes sense to be nostalgic when we have memories to remember. But one thing I could never understand, was being a baby and getting tearful over "baby-looking" things. Was it the innocence represented by these objects? How ironic is that? The Innocent feeling emotional because of innocence..
I'll leave you to dwell on that.

Hello!

So, I used to have another blog. I decided to get rid of it and revel in the freedom of mystery.

Like God. For all you know, I could be.

Seriously. You cannot prove otherwise, therefore it MUST be true. No! That absolutely is not a false dichotomy!